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KOWAII KAWAII

WHALEART

* In November 1988, a born entertainer was birthed in to existence; they are still extremely obscure & unknown.

* Scorpio Dragon; find me also on Insta: @thewildwillbill & @retrotechgurl.

* Former main accounts: dinosaurorgy & alienamiss; cannot get in to them -- am using this,a very old art account while I wait for 'signup' process to be solved by the site owner.

I shit you not.
Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019   11:43 PM

"Beck + Call " -- July Talk, ft. Tanya Tagaq
"Verona's Obsession (Vol 1)" -- Alan Rayman
"A Criminal Mind" -- Gowan
"Under my Thumb" -- Streetheart
"When I Grow Up" -- Garbage
"Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" -- Backstreet Boys

I've been meaning to write my friend, Rock, a letter; or, rather -- to finish the letter. I've been distracted for 2 weeks, first with the YT channel, then with the horrid tiredness my med changes spawned.

He was my in-hospital main-crush. Because the hospital jerked my BC pills around, I was horny, evil, and very persistently chasing Rock for 1+1/2 of my 2+1/2 month stay. I actually wrote something to the effect of: "Billiam wants Rock's sweet ass!" on a wall -- uncharacteristic of me, I had been graffiti-ing only with green, peel-offable painter's tape with sharpie in that time. The note to Rock was in crayon.

My longest stay in a ward has been 4+1/2 months. Any more, and I get buggier. My stay last year was by far my worst. I tried to die, at least 4 times. I did a lot of wild shit that would NEVER have occurred to me to do, on the outside -- like, they'd lock me in an isolation room, and I'd bite my fingers open, and draw the faces of whoever locked me in there. I don't remember any pain. I remember doing, it, though. I tried hanging myself in a different ward's (I was in 2, back & forth the whole time) isolation room. It had a door hinge at the top; I folded the mattress, and tried hanging myself from it with my pants. It wasn't high enough to work, but I believe I've saved anyone else from it -- they took out the hinge after.

I have almost a PTSD memory system of my last stay. Most of it was horrible, aside from chasing Rock. He's the reason I listen to "Desperately Wanting" -- Better than Erza; it reminds me of us being on the grass -- him reading a book, and me chainsmoking. We didn't run, like it says in the song -- but elements of it remind me of me, yes. My song for him was: "Shape of my Heart" -- Sting.

It was a wild time. Something about those places brings me to hurt myself (which won't get you out faster ;___; ), and my inner-criminal side comes out to play. I really WAS picked up by a cop truck last time. When I'd "go away too long" they always could find me in the park where Q and I vanished off to on his birthday for 2+ hours, 2 years previous. I was drawn there a lot.

I was MORE insane inside, I believe. My mom explains it like it's a necessary evil, that there's no other solution to me being that crazy -- in I go. Even if it means I will die trying to escape it. That seems weird. Why put someone somewhere you KNOW THEY WILL ACTUALLY TRY DYING??? I'm in no way, shape or form a self-mutilator outside. Inside seems to make me 10x worse for months.. and they let me out randomly. THIS time I won the 'trial', second try -- but -- I had an excellent (second name of his firm :O) lawyer help me get out. 2 years ago, the lawyer was in Van., and sent me a letter telling me my case had no legs to stand on, so I was on my own. This year.. I think I got the top dude almost, in the entire town. I wish him all the best, because he was my savior.

I was tunnel-visioning towards the end of the hospital stay. I didn't see me living much more. I shook hands with at least 4 people, to "borrow" time from them -- just to live to see 30. I think I may have an awfully long time to live now, if that works.

I hate to dramalogue, traumalogue, but I've been permanently horrified by the two wards I've been to -- I've never made it to the 3rd -- they can detain you for a year. I almost lost my apartment, only being in 2, almost 3 months. They cut off your money, and downsize it to like $90 because "you have a place to stay" while you're locked away. Thanks, Canada gov't, for making the most vulnerable people homeless. v__v Fuck off. Srsly. We have enough trouble.

I just knew that if I had to spend a milestone birthday like 30 in there.. I wasn't gunna live. I had plans to exit life somehow. Didn't know exactly. ANYTHING can be a weapon of self-destruction if you really want out. I wanted to get out, even if that meant me being dead. Any way out was a way out.

I'm almost crying at the memory of coming home, in the end, and unboxing my favorite movies -- I was bouncing between tears of joy and sadness at the mere idea of holding my objects again -- leave it to a hoarder to cry at the touch of a VHS. I was just so seriously happy I made it back home to my best friends: my hoard. Objects are insanely loyal -- they never leave, unless you toss them, or they're stolen. I appreciate the fact no one broke in to my home, and no landlord traipsed in -- my apartment was the kinda mess only insanity can explain.

I believe if there ARE magical people, they're in psych wards, and their powers killed by psych meds. Same with the reincarnation of Jesus. He'd be in with us, too. 99% sure of that. Either that, or whatever gov't he lived under would take him, and exploit his magical powers for bad means.

I'd be devastated if they hadn't given me enough to pay rent -- I'm being deducted now, for the money "I owe" from being incarcerated. But, thank the lawds they didn't cut me off INSIDE -- if I lost 2 u-haul's worth of my best shit.. I'd flip shit. It would have been more than traumatizing to lose 30 years' worth of my "favorite friends".

:/ you neeeeeeeeeeever fuck with a hoarder's hoard. We remember EVER-AH-EE-THANG we own, and have very personal reasons for keeping our bullshit & sometimes trash close to us.

I'm gunna end it here, and switch topics. This IS bumming me out to relive what had happened -- it's all hazy in my head, likely from the COPIOUS amount of crazy-leveled meds they gave me. I came out feeling like my brain was fried . I shit you not.


MOLDY OLDIES & NEW NATTERS

(c) MX. WHALEART, 2019